The Humorous Yet Random Afterlife of the Marauders
by mismatchedsocktwins
Summary: All of our favorite fictional characters in the afterlife competing for the title of "best death"! WARNING:very AU! Special appearances by: Voldy, Dobby, Saddam Hussain, and the Black family. As well as Sirius meeting a machine gun!


Disclaimer: We aren't JK

**Disclaimer: We aren't JK. It just doesn't fit into our plans for the future…**

"I died protecting my wife and son!" James bellowed at the dead guy next to him.

"And you forgot your wand? How very witty of you!" Sirius yelled back.

"I was in Gryffindor, not Ravenclaw! And it's better than death by curtain!" James retorted.

Sirius glared daggers at his friend. "It was a _veil!"_ Sirius exclaimed.

"You know," Lily interjected. "I actually died saving Harry. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't have been around for you to sacrifice your life, Sirius." The two men completely ignored her.

"Veil, curtain, same thing!" James screamed.

"They most certainly are not!" Sirius exclaimed.

Suddenly, a figure appeared beside Lily. He looked around, gathering information leading him to the conclusion that he must be dead. He then noticed the arguing men. "So, Lily… How're you? I guess not much has changed since seventh year, huh?" Remus asked Lily.

"No, they've been bickering like fools ever since Sirius showed up," Lily told Remus after the shock that someone had just died; someone that she knew very well. I guess she should feel sympathetic, but it was going to happen eventually, and she was really getting sick of the bickering men being her only companions.

"Remus, would you be quiet!" Sirius yelled over before realizing what he had said. "Moony!" He leaped at the boy and tackled him to the cloud.

Remus and Sirius got back to their feet, and James tackled Remus back to the cloud. "Yeah, it's great to see you too, but this whole up and down thing, it's really not working for me," Remus told them.

"I missed you and I can't believe you got married and had a child and your wife! You told her to stay, but she didn't! And I know this'll make you mad, but she's in danger and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it!" Sirius said very quickly.

"What?" Remus exclaimed. "Why'd she do that? What about Teddy?"

Sirius continued as if he hadn't said anything. "And I know that it's not very good that she's out there fighting 'cause she might **die**; but then she'll be here with us! And I'm sure Harry'll take care of Teddy, being his godfather and all. Unless he's more like me than we thought and he goes off and gets himself killed." Sirius suddenly gasped. "Can you believe Wormtail betted on 'ole Voldy-kins winning? Oh! And now you can help us decide who had the best death! You see, Prongs seems to think that he did, but it's quite obvious that I did…"

Remus was flabbergasted. "Sirius, give the guy a chance to breathe!" Lily shouted at Sirius.

"Well, Lily-kins, Moony is dead, therefore doesn't need to breathe," Sirius told her. She really had the urge to punch him right now. And that was when Peter plopped onto the cloud.

"Where was he?" Remus asked Lily.

"The bathroom cloud," she replied simply. "You see, here you don't really need to go to the bathroom, but it was such a habit for many, that they can't seem to give it up now. You'll get used to not needing to pee after a while," she assured him.

"Are we still talking about who had the greatest death?" Peter asked the boys.

"Yes!" James and Sirius shouted at Peter, irate that he interrupted their glaring at each other.

"Peter got voted out right away," Lily explained to Remus.

"Why?" Remus asked her.

"His death was strangling himself with the hand Voldemort gave him," Lily said simply.

"Really? That would suck! Not even being able to brag about your own death!" Remus exclaimed.

"Remus!" Sirius ordered. Remus looked to the man reluctantly. "Who had the best death, me or Prongsie?"

"Well, I think that my death was the most notable. I mean, the competition is wandless fighter and cannon-ball to the drapes. I mean, really, it's quite clear that I had the most notable death," Remus explained.

"I agree with you Remus!" Lily added in. "You died very notably."

"Thank you…" But Sirius' next sentence cut off Remus' thank you.

"What? Him dying more nobly than me? But, _avada kedavra_ is so last century!"

"I died in the biggest battle to happen in the wizarding world in all eternity!" Remus cried out.

And then another figure joined the party of the Marauders. This person showed up directly in the middle of the action. This person was one, Severus Snape.

"Hey! It's Snivelly!" Sirius exclaimed in joy.

Severus looked around. "Oh god! This cannot be heaven! Please say that this is not heaven!" he cried.

"Yes! You get to spend the rest of eternity with us!" James cried to the pale man.

Severus blinked a few times. "Are you kidding me? You've got to be kidding me! Lily, please say that they're kidding me!"

"Well, you've been placed on this cloud because you grew up with us, but you can travel from cloud to cloud. I believe they even have a death eaters cloud…" She trailed off lightly.

"I wonder why you weren't put there, Snivelly!" Sirius called to him.

"Because I haven't been a true death eater… And I saved your god-damn godson more times that you got detention. Does that kid _try_ to get himself killed?" Severus asked, exasperated.

"Well, you have to admit that he does get into trouble quite often…" Remus said.

"He takes after his 'ole pa!" Sirius shouted.

"I wonder what he's doing now…" Lily pondered the thought. "That's the cool thing about being up here: you can watch those earth-lings down below." They watched the raven-haired boy down on the solid ground.

"Aw! Look, Harry's reading your memories now!" Peter told Severus excitedly.

"Why the hell are you poisoning my sons mind with your greasy memories?" James asked, infuriated.

"Because they'll help him. Like I said, I'm trying to _save_ your son," Severus said slowly.

Sirius started cracking up and everyone stared at the man. He was obviously insane… "Are there clubs up here too?" Severus asked curiously.

"I was just thinking how my death was so much nobler than yours, Snivelly!" Sirius laughed as he spat his sentence in Severus' face.

"How do you figure, curtain boy?" Severus asked him, suddenly irate.

"Veil of Death!" He shouted. "And how did you die? Avada Kedavra too?"

"Actually, I was eaten by Voldemort's snake. Meanwhile you were off battling a curtain," Severus said nastily.

"It… I… You… No fair!" And that was when Tonks appeared near Lily and Remus, immediately tripping over a tuft of cloud and falling splat upon the cloudy floor.

"Damn it! McNair got me!" She cursed loudly.

"Dora! What were you going? I told you stay in the Room of Requirement!" Remus scolded.

"And let you go out and risk your life while I waited, ever so calmly knowing that my husband could be dead at any moment, chatting it up with Ginny! Besides, I don't recall hearing you say anything of the sort, Remus," Tonks lied.

"But our son! He's…"

"Harry'll take care of him!" Tonks exclaimed.

"What if Harry's killed?" Remus yelled.

"You know, I'd rather you not talk about the death of my only son right now," Lily mentioned.

"Lily, we never argued when we died…" James said reminiscing.

"What the bloody hell are you talking about, Potter?" Lily asked disbelievingly. "The first ten minutes you screamed at me about how 'you were supposed to take Harry and run'! Well newsflash, you can't run when the only door you have is being blocked by the Dark Lord!"

"Well… We had windows!" James told her.

"Right, how stupid of me! I didn't jump out of a window while carrying a baby! How could I have failed to see the genius of that plan?"

"Hey! Don't talk back to me!" James told her.

Lily mumbled something and turned away, quickly leaving to another cloud.

"Shit! I gotta go find her now!" James said, instantly regretting the awful comments that come with being a man. James then disappeared as well.

Sirius walked over to a sheet of paper and wrote down another tally. "Sirius? What is that?" Remus asked.

"I'm keeping count of the times that this has happened. Fifty-four times since I got here," Sirius said smiling.

"That's a bit of a pity…" Tonks said. "And here I was thinking that the afterlife was perfect."

"Oh, yes! Now I can win!" Sirius jumped up and down excitedly. "And don't worry, they always show up together again. As soon as James finds her he's usually cooled down enough to have 'decent conversation'."

"What exactly do you win at?" Tonks asked.

"The most brave death award!" Sirius told her excitedly.

Tonks snorted. "You? You Mr. 'killed by cousin, mauled by mere drapery'?"

"What do you people not understand about _Veil of Death?_" Sirius asked, exasperated.

"Well, what's the competition?" Tonks asked Sirius.

"Eaten by snake, wandless battle, strangling yourself, dying in historic battle, and mine!" Sirius told her happily. Apparently he thought that he actually stood a chance of winning this non-existent title.

"Well, I'd vote you for most clumsy death award," Severus told him.

"Thank you Sniv—Hey! No! Uncalled for behavior!" Sirius shouted.

"Death by snake?" Tonks questioned.

"Snivelly was eaten by Voldy's snake," Sirius stated bluntly.

"I sacrificed myself to help save Harry. I was a triple agent all along and I died with Voldemort never knowing. So what if I ended up being snake food? I was much more brave than you were, Black!" Severus screamed.

"I died to save Harry!" Sirius protested.

"Didn't we all!" Severus screamed.

"Well, he's got a point there…" Tonks said. "I think that Severus has the most heroic death of the lot of you!"

"No! You're my niece! You're supposed to vote for me!" Sirius said in a frenzy.

"No! She's supposed to vote for me, don't you remember? I'm your _husband!_" Remus exclaimed.

And that was when Fred Weasley plopped onto their party cloud. "Hello there! Severus! Remus! Tonks! It's great to see you all!" he said with open arms.

"Well, except for the fact that we're dead!" Severus spat at the boy.

"Minor details… How've you been?" Fred asked.

"Dead," Severus said simply.

"That sounds nice! How did you die?" he said cheerily.

"Voldemort's snake."

"And the rest of you?" Fred questioned in an unnaturally peppy voice.

"Avada Kedavra," Remus said.

"Same," Tonks agreed.

Sirius stuck out his chest and looked toward the ceiling, "Veil of Death."

Fred snorted. "You mean that old curtain?" he asked.

"Why do you all hate me?" Sirius yelled. "Here I am battling for my life against my psychotic cousin trying to save that ill-omened kid of James! And do I get any sympathy? No!"

"You're right… We should give you sympathy. I feel bad that you cannot brag about your death as we can," Tonks said with a smirk.

Remus moved over to the curtains that adorned the walls. "You're right, Dora. We should give our friend an award for his death…" He suddenly threw the curtains onto Sirius yelling, "Attack!" Sirius screamed like a girl and ran in circles before tripping and falling onto James and Lily who had just plopped onto the cloud. The three of them lie on the cloud as Sirius screamed in terror as if he were being charged at by a dirty rhinoceros.

"Sirius! It's a bloody curtain for God's sake!" James bellowed. Sirius suddenly stopped writhing on the cloud and sat up, taking the curtain from in front of his eyes.

"Right… I knew that. I was practicing my acting," Sirius lied.

Quite abruptly, a new face popped onto the cloud; the face of Colin Creevey. "There you are, Fred!" he cried.

"Oh brother…" Fred mumbled under his breathe. "Kid's been following me around all afternoon!" He whispered to Tonks irately. Tonks smirked at Fred.

"Looks like you have a 'special friend' then, Fred!" Tonks cried. "Colin, did you know we were just talking about you?"

"You were?" Colin asked, his eyes popping out of their sockets.

"Yes, Fred was telling us all about you and you're…" But Colin had started a conversation all on his own…

"That's so cool! You were really talking about me? You guys are, like, famous! This is so awesome! I love you guys so much and I can't wait to spend the rest of eternity with you!" Colin gushed on as Tonks looked in horror at what she had done.

"Now look what you did!" Fred scolded her.

And then James, Remus, Sirius and Lily were gone from the cloud and saved from Colin's mad rants about how they're "legends".

"Where'd they all go to?" Fred asked, his peppy tone gone at the thought that nearly everyone had ditched him with Colin Creevey.

"I don't know. You would think Remus would think to save his wife from this torture as well as himself!" She said furiously.

"Relax. They're on Earth talking to Harry," Snape glared at Colin

"How sweet, Harry will get to see his mum and dad before he goes to face the most evil of all the dark overlords in all eternity," Tonks said

"He has no chance." Snape said

"Have some faith is the kid who is said to save the world!" Fred said angrily.

Just then, Sirius, James, Lily and Remus came back, smiling happily with hope and Bellatrix appeared standing next to Severus; a look of pure hatred crossed her face as the thought of that blood traitor murdering her crossed her mind.

"Snape." She spat.

"Bella!" Fred took a step with open arms toward the woman who glared a glare that no glare could top. The boy immediately cringed into the shadows of the cloud.

"That's more like it, boy." She told him.

Then Sirius' eyes fell onto the raven haired woman. "You! What are you doing on _my _cloud?" Sirius spat with fury.

"Hem, hem? We were here first!" Lily interjected.

"That blood traitor's" she indicated toward Fred. "Mother killed me."

"Really? Molly did? I'm astonished!" Fred exclaimed joyously. With a single glare from Bellatrix he was back to cowering in the shadows.

Sirius scoffed. "So, Avada Kedavra did you in then?"

"Yeah." She muttered angrily.

"Yes! I remain the only one with a unique death!" Sirius cried out.

"What are you talking about? You died from Avada Kedavra too! I would know, seeing as I killed you." **(A/N: though you're not supposed to put author notes like this in the middle of the story, we would just like to say that we base this 'Sirius died from Avada Kedavra' on the movie)**

"What?" James exclaimed in shock.

"Well… Funny story really, you see, these are just minor details Bella here is mentioning…"

"What the hell are you talking about, Sirius?" Lily demanded.

"Oh you didn't tell them?" Bella exclaimed quite cheerily.

"Th-theres nothing left to say!" Sirius said hysterically.

"That damn curtain didn't kill Sirius, I did!" She said in a very overdramatic way. And then, several things happened at once: Sirius was on the floor of the cloud, being viciously attacked by James, Lily, Remus, Tonks, and anyone else in the near vicinity. Meanwhile, Bella was cackling with mad laughter.

"I'm sick of you people!" Sirius screeched before disappearing from the cloud.

"Dora! Quit slapping me!" Remus yelled to the frantic woman.

She seemed to realize what she was doing and stopped immediately. "Oh, sorry!"

"Where'd that stupid mutt go?" James asked with venom in his voice.

_Meanwhile_

"Who are you?" Sirius asked as he arrived on a cloud with a bunch of people wearing turbans and handling machine guns.

"I am Saddam Hussain." The leader said. "Prepare to die!"

**Okay, so this is a little out there and VERY alternate universe. DO NOT tell us that Harry destroyed Voldy way before Saddam Hussain, 'because we don't want to hear it. Got it? 'Kay! Review!**


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